Brachium Ha’baim (Welcome To The Process!)
Our first session together will serve as an opportunity to get to know one another better and make the family feel comfortable by introducing them to the b’nei mitzvah process and addressing any of their concerns.
For an opening activity, the family will be asked to bring in copies of pictures from various milestone moments (ie Kate and Mark’s first home together, a wedding picture, Ashley’s adoption, Brian’s birth ect…) We’ll paste these photos into a scrapbook in chronological order and write what made each of these moments special around each photo. We’ll leave a page in the scrapbook for a photo from Brian’s bar mitzvah. We’ll have an important conversation about how to elevate Brian’s bar mitzvah experience while creating a family keepsake. (The scrapbook doesn’t have to be completely finished in the course of our meeting. The family will be encour aged to finish it together at home.)
Now that the family understands what Brian’s/the family’s year of preparation will look like, the last twenty minutes of our session will be used to create a family brit surrounding Bri an’s bar mitzvah process . After we define what a brit is, the family will decide what they would like to include in their brit (ie Brian will practice 20 minutes a day, Kate and Mark will drive Brian to his lessons, Ashley will give Brian privacy when practicing, each family member will do their best to treat one another with compassion and understanding…)
Dear Bar Mitzvah…
Our second meeting will include the whole family. This meeting will serve as an opportunity to get to know the grandparents and understand any tension or conflict between the families. Celebrating each family’s unique (and perhaps in some ways similar) traditions together may begin to ease any strained familial dynamics.
We’ll discuss the Abrams-Carroll family’s practice of Jewish, Catholic, and secular family traditions. What holidays are celebrated and how do you celebrate them? Are their any inter generational traditions within the Abrams-Carroll family? Discuss why traditions hold mean ing and value.
After our conversation, each family member will have the opportunity to take part in a tradition of our synagogue community. Each family member will write a letter to Brian to open once he is a bar mitzvah. Brian will receive his bar mitzvah journal where he will write a letter to himself that he will seal in the back of it. Brian will be encouraged to write questions, comments, and ideas he has throughout his bar mitzvah process.
Getting To Know You
For this session, Brian and I will meet in my office over Brian’s favorite snack. We’ll have an opportunity to get to know one another better in a seemingly secular conversation: What do you do for fun? Do you have any favorite sports teams? What is the best and the worst thing about seventh grade? ect.
Past, Present, Future Activity: Once Brian clearly feels comfortable in our conversation, we’ll begin our PPF activity. Brian will be given a piece of paper with the outline of three people on it: one child sized person, one teenage sized person, and one adult sized person. In each person, he’ll write adjectives that describe who he was as a little kid, who he is now, and who he hopes to become. While Brian fills out his PPF people, I’ll fill out one too. We’ll turn on some of his favorite music while we’re working and then we’ll share our maps with one another.
The B’nei Mitzvah Process and You - First Day of Tutoring
This session will occur before Brian’s first bar mitzvah lesson!
First, I’ll share with Brian a special minhag at our congregation: on the first day of b’nei mitzvah tutoring for each student , they will come to my office with their siddur. I’ll place a small drop of honey on it and explain that it is symbolic of learning being sweet. The student will lick the honey and I’ll teach them about the Shecheyanu prayer and the prayer itself. Together we’ll sing the prayer.
Brian and I will have a conversation about what he thinks it means to be an adult vs. what it means to be a Jewish adult.
Now that Brian has begun his formal tutoring, Brian and I will fill out a Goal Map for his bar mitzvah experience. What do you hope to learn achieve, and gain? Do you foresee any obstacles toward your goals?
Sibling Session
Ashley and I will meet in person at a local Starbucks or cafe of her choosing. It’s important that she see me outside of the synagogue and get to know me as more than ‘the cantor.’ Mark and Kate shared with me that they would like to find a way to help Ashley feel more connected Jewish-ly. Ashley has taken a recent interest her biological identity. The planned conversations have all been ‘okayed’ by Mark and Kate.
Ashley and I will have an informal conversation about her likes/dislikes, school, and extracurricular activities.
I’ll ask her how she thinks her family is handling Brian’s bar mitzvah process and discuss with her if she would like to have a role in Brian’s service.
While making it clear that I don’t intend to ‘sell her on Judaism’, I’ll let Ashley know that there will always be a place for her within our synagogue community. I’ll share with her a personal story from when I took some Africana courses in college and learned about the commonalities between the Jewish and African American peoples. We’ll discuss the similarities
Continuing to Best Support Your B’nei Mitzvah Student
This session will take place over FaceTime and be just between myself, Kate and Mark.
We’ll begin with a brief check-in. How are you both doing/How is Brian doing with juggling all of your family’s regular commitments on top of the bar mitzvah process?
Sensory figures: I’ll ask both Kate and Mark to each draw a stick figure. I’ll inform them that this stick figure represents them at age 12/13. I’ll ask them to think back to this time in their lives. They’ll draw in features such as eyes, ears, hands, feet… ect. Kate and Mark will be asked to draw lines to these various anatomical parts and briefly describe what was metaphorically happening for them with each body part (ie- a line putting to the head may say ‘began to question authority’, a line to the feet may say ‘I felt supported and stable in my home ’) We’ll go over what they each wrote down and ask them to imagine what Brian’s sensory figure might look like. What do we imagine Brian might be thinking/feeling through this time?
Conversation Shift: We’ll discuss some ideas and begin brainstorming ways in which family members can be included in Brian’s bar mitzvah service. At this point I will gently bring up the conversation in the synagogue around creating more restrictive policy surrounding non Jewish family members participating in b’nei mitzvah services. I’ll let them know that I’ve noted that the involvement of family members adds much meaning to the service. I’ll share that there are ways to participate in the service and honor family members that aren’t explicitly Jewish. Perhaps Kate’s parents can read a prayer for peace in English? I’ll be sure that they feel supported by me and that they know I condone the level of participation they are comfortable with. While I would intend to be tactful and discreet, I’ll ‘tip my hat’ towards letting them know that I believe our progressive Reform congregation should be inclusive of all b’nei mitzvah families.
Creating an Environment of Inclusion: How to Involve Everyone
This session will serve as an opportunity to come together once more and make decisions about the roles family member’s will take in the bar mitzvah service.
With a service outline, I’ll go over the structure of the service with them and discuss places throughout the service where we may be able to add personal moments with family members. I’ll share suggestions of texts and musical choice that will enhance the service and make Brian’s bar mitzvah unique. Do the Abrams grandparents want to do an aliyah? Does (aspiring singer) Ash ley want to sing the Redemption Song Mi Chamocha? Could Grandma Carroll (a poet) read the poem she wrote for Brian when he was born and have Grandpa Carroll read the second part she wrote for his bar mitzvah day?
Ritual Items and Their Significance
This session will bring the whole family back together to discuss ritual objects and the significance they hold regardless of their religious affiliation.
I’ll request that each person bring in a ritual object from their home. Perhaps Zeyde Abrams will bring his father’s kiddish cup. Grandma Carroll might bring in her rosary beads. They’ll each share what they brought and why it’s special to them. We’ll discuss how ritual objects can make us feel close to our ancestors and heritage. These items are precious to us because of who/what we affiliate them with. The love, respect, and admiration these objects conjure up for us aren’t limited to any particular faith. These feelings are universal.
I’ll explain what a tallit is and why it’s a significant ritual object in Judaism. I’ll share that we’re going to create a tallit together for Brian to wear on the day of his bar mitzvah that will wrap him in the love, respect and admiration he feels towards his own family. We’ll discuss how to incorporate a part of each family member present into the tallit. (ie Perhaps the corners of Brian’s baby blanket that was made by Grandma Carroll can be sown onto the corners) Together we’ll knot the tzittzit and talk about their significance.
Check-in/ Relating to Your Portion
This session will serve as an opportunity to check-in with Brian and dive a bit deeper into his portion.
We’ll begin with a casual ‘how’s it going?’ conversation in order to understand the emotion/ spiritual state Brian is in.
Together we’ll read an easily accessible English translation of his portion in order to better understand and relate to it before he begins writing his d’var with the Rabbi.
Conversation: What do your portion have to do with your life today? Can you think of any ways in which you find this portion relatable? Dig deep! What do you think the take-away message or moral of your portion is?
I’ll share with Brian that in next month’s session he will be presenting what he’s learned about his portion and his own interpretation of the portion to his family. I’ll give me ideas and resources.
Teach Unto Your Parents
Session 10 will be Brian’s turn to lead the session. Kate and Mark will be joining us while Ash ley and the grandparents will be invited to this session but won’t be required to come.
Brian will summarize his portion for family and demonstrate his knowledge through whatever approach speaks to him. (ie a PowerPoint presentation, a song, a script to be acted out by his family, or a Leviticus inspired board-game)
After Brian’s presentation, he’ll lead us in a conversation about how/if he thinks his portion is relevant to today’s world. Why or why not? What message does the portion leave you with?
Family Havdalah - One Week Before Brian’s Bar Mitzvah
For this session I’ll join the entirety of the family in the Abrams-Carroll home where I’ll lead a short and sweet havdalah service.
I’ll explain that the word havdalah means separation. The havdalah service is used by Jews to mark the separation between Shabbat and the week in a meaningful way. Together we are symbolically marking the separation between Brian’s childhood and his adulthood. This time next week, Brian will have become a bar mitzvah! In addition to the four blessings, I’ll include a few meaningful and relevant songs in English.
Aftermath of Bar Mitzvah
A week after Brian’s bar mitzvah, I’ll ask that the whole family come back to my office so that we can process the experience and celebrate together. The first half of the session will be Brian and his family. The second half will just be with Brian.
Conversation: Each person will share a moment they found to be special or meaningful either from the day of Brian’s bar mitzvah or from anywhere during the year long process
Conversation: While this process certainly centered around Brian’s becoming a bar mitzvah, it was a family process. We’ll have a conversation about what this experience has been like. What was challenging about this process? What was meaningful? In what ways did you grow: individually and as a family?
Brian’s family will leave and I’ll allow time for Brian to open the letters from his family members and reflect on his bar mitzvah journal.
We will close with a conversation about the day of his bar mitzvah vs. the year long experience as a whole. While the day itself was exciting, it was only one day. Becoming a ‘son of commandments’/ Jewish adult is about the journey, and not the destination. I’ll let Brian know how much I enjoyed working with him and that this isn’t the end of his journey towards Jewish adulthood- there’s still so much to learn! We’ll look at the calendar together with his parents and sign him up to chant Torah again in the following months. I’ll personally invite him to join the Hebrew high school program while letting him know that he’ll always be welcome within the congregation in whatever capacity he may choose to return. He knows where my office is- he and his family are always invited for a snack and a conversation!
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